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Ang Bulag

Ang bulag.... isang maikling nakakakiliting kwento 
 
Isang bulag ang pumasok sa isang maliit na restoran. Sinalubong siya 
ng waiter at wala sa isip na nagbigay ng menu. "Hindi mo ba 
napansing bulag ako? Bigyan mo na lamang ako ng mga gamit na tinidor 
at nang malaman ko kung ano ang kakainin ko!" bulyaw ng bulag. 
 
Hindi na nagtanong ang nalilitong waiter at kumuha na lamang ng
dalawang tinidor na hindi pa hugas at ibinigay sa bulag. Inamoy ng
bulag ang unang tinidor. "Fried chicken! Hindi ako kumakain ng fried
chicken," sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy ng unang tinidor. At inamoy naman
niya ang ikalawang tinidor. "Ito, meatloaf, bigyan mo ako niyan." 

Namangha ang waiter at dumiretso ito sa kusina para kausapin ang
cook na si Maria. "Ang galing ng bulag na iyon! Aba, amoy pa lamang
e alam na niya ang oorderin niya. Magluto ka nga ng meatloaf,"
sabi ng waiter kay Maria. Nagluto si Maria ng meatloaf at ibinigay
sa waiter para sa bulag. Nasarapan ang bulag kaya nagbigay ito ng
malaking tip.

Kinabukasan, bumalik ang bulag at binigyan na naman siya ng waiter
ng dalawang tinidor para amuyin. 

Ito, gusto ko ito, porkchop," sabi ng bulag pagkaamoy pa lamang ng
unang tinidor. 

Sa ikatlong araw, bumalik ulit ang bulag at umamoy na naman ng
dalawang tinidor. "Hindi ako kumakain ng hamburger! Ito namang isa,
meatloaf na naman! Wala na bang bago?" reklamo ng bulag. 

"Sandali lang ho," sabi ng waiter, sabay labas. Para paglaruan ang
customer, kumuha ng malinis na tinidor ang waiter at ipinahid sa
loob ng panty ni Maria. "Subukan ninyo po ito," sabi ng waiter,
sabay abot ng
tinidor na ipinunas sa panty ni Maria. 

"Aba!" gulat na sabi ng bulag. "Dito na ba nagtratrabaho si Maria?"


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BASAHIN, TUMAWA at HIGIT SA LAHAT-IPASA!

 

Street Vendor : "bili na kayo ng relo! gold watch ito!
pag namuti, white gold!
pag huminto stopwatch!"

 

gf : hu hu hu hu bakit natin ginawa ito? hindi na ako virgin at dalawang beses pa natin ginawa!
bf : ano? isa lang ah?!
gf : bakit, hindi na ba natin uulitin mamaya?!

 

I-click ito para makita ang kasunod….

Couple talking:
wife : hon, paki fix naman ilaw sa labas.
husband : hello!? electrician ba ako?
wife : eh di pkigawa na lang hagdan natin.
husband : hello!? karpintero ba ako?
umalis c husband, pagbalik gawa na lahat ng sira sa
bahay. tinanong niya wife kung sino gumawa ng trabaho.
wife : kasi kanina a man saw me crying, sabi ko dami
sira dito sa bahay. so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or bake ako ng cake.
husband : so pnag-bake mo siya ng cake?
wife : hello?! baker ba ako?!

 

ANG MARRIED LIFE....
May isang intsik na sa sobrang hilig sa karaoke ay
inabot ng 5 am.
Dahil sa takot mabugbog ni misis, nag-text ng:
"HUWAG KA BAYAD RANSOM. NAKATAKAS AKO. UWI NA KO!"

 

Husband: "Parati na lang tayo away! Maghiwalay na lang tayo!"
Wife: "Sige, maghati tayo ng mga anak!"
Husband: "Akin ang mga guwapo at maganda!"
Wife: "Sus! Pinili pa yung hindi kanya!"

 

Sa harap ng nursery window;
Friend: Pare, pag laki ng anak mo, am sure magaling mag-drive
Dad: Bakit, pare, malaki ba ang kamay?
Friend: Hindi. Kasi kamukha siya ng driver ninyo!

 

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife
and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

 

Friend: "Wow, pare, ganda ng sapatos mo, ah!"
Husband: "Oo. Surprise gift ng kumare mo!"
Friend: "Surprise? Ano occassion?"
Husband: "Wala. Nakita ko na lang sa ilalim ng kama namin kagabi!"

 

Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

 

WIFE: I'm warning you! Parating na husband ko in 1 hour!
HANDSOME VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
WIFE: kaya nga! kung may balak ka, GAWIN MONA!!!

 

WIFE: Himala! aga mong umuwi ngayon.
HUSBAND: Sunod ko lang utos ng boss ko. Sabi nya "GO TO
HELL", kaya ito uwi agad ako..

 

Wife: Lab, may taning na ang buhay ko. Huling gabi ko na
to, let's make love.
Husband: Heh! tumigil ka nga. Maaga pa akong gigising
bukas, buti ikaw, hindi na.

 

HE HE HE HE !!!!

Population policies of countries: 
China: Stop at 1 child.
Singapore: Stop at 2 children
Phil: STOP AT 4 A.M.!

 

RUSSIAN: we're 1st in space
USA: we're 1st in the moon
ERAP: we'll be the 1st in the sun
USA: you can't go there, you'll burn
ERAP: we're not stupid, we'll go there at NIGHT!

 

Ano kadalasan ang sinasabi kapag nautot?
American: Excuse me.
British: Pardon me.
Pinoy: NOT ME!

 

"SUMPA"
Hindi na makakatikim ng napakasarap na 'Sex' ang huling
bumasa nito!


Ayos safe na ako...papayag ka bang IKAW ang huling
babasa nito?
hehehe!!!


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Pinoy Humor

TEACHER: panget ng name mo, Conrado Domingo! In short, CONDOM!
PUPIL: ok langpo ma'am! Pero mas pangit sa husband ninyo. Supronio
Potenciano! In short, SUPOT!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
REPORTER: Tita Cory, kung buhay si Ninoy ngayon, baka pangulo na siya.
CORY: Naka bilanggo siguro.
REPORTER: bakit naman po?
CORY: baka napatay na niya si Kris.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
JUDGE: isa ka palang pusher, kidnapper, gun for hire, gambling lord,
swindler at bugaw! Wala ka bang matinong hanapbuhay?
ACCUSED: meron po. Pulis po ako.
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i-click para makita ang iba pa….


Dalawang unano galing motel.
UNANO 1: pare, hindi ko nagalaw date ko kagabi, buti pa kayo, dinig ko
humihiyaw ka ng "1,2,3 ummph!!"
UNANO 2: ****! Hindi ko kasi maakyat ang kama.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Quiapo Church:
MRS: Lord, bigyan ninyo ako ng P1,000 kasi anak ko nasa hospital.
Narinig ng pulis, naawa, binigyan ng P500.
MRS: Lord, next time huwag padaan sa pulis, nabawasan agad
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Ano ang saging na mataba? Saba
Ano ang saging na maliit? Senorita
Ano ang saging na sinusubo pati balat? It begins with T.
Esep-esep. Sirit na? turon.
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
Young lady to the new parish priest:
LADY: Father, ang cute mo, bakit pumayag kang magpari?
PRIEST: Ayaw kasi pumayag ni mama na mag-MADRE ako!
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------
SPANISH
TEACHER: class, use PUERA in a sentence.
PUPIL: mi maestros son bonhas (all the teachers are beautiful) SPANISH
TEACHER: oh, that's very flattering, but where's PUERA?
PUPIL: PUERA ka!
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JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.
JEEP DRIVER: saan galling?
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin.
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan?
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo
------------ -------- --------- --------- --------
Mister: Kung gagawa ako ng pelikula, gusto ko, ako si ZORRO!
Misis: Eh ako, sino?
Mister: Si DACOS!
Misis: Dacos? Sino 'yun!
Mister: DA COS of all my ZORROs!
----------- ---------- -------------- ------------- --------
Job interview...
Boss: Ano ang alam mo?
Rommel: Alam ko po kung saan kayo nakatira ng misis mo,
at kung saan nakatira ang kabit mo.
Boss: Tanggap ka na!
-------------- ---------------- ------------- ------------ -------
Tomas: Sobrang tabatsoy na ang misis ko kaya gusto niyang magbawas ng
timbang. Nag-horseback riding siya...
Jorge: Ano'ng resulta?
Tomas: Nabawasan ng 10 kilos 'yung kabayo!
------------------------------- ------------- ------------
Ama: Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo?
Anak: Nag-lesson at test po kami tungkol sa mga manok.
Ama: Ano, madali ba?
Anak: Chicken na chicken!
Ama: Anong grade mo?
Anak: Itlog po.
-------------- --------- ----------- ---------- ----------
Dalawang holdaper sa bangko...
Holdaper #1: Yehey! Mayaman na tayo!
Holdaper #2: Bilangin mo na!
Holdaper: ****! Alam mo namang mahina ako sa math.
Abangan na lang natin sa balita kung magkano!
-------- ----------- ----------- ------------ ------------
Guro: What is 34 books + 25 books?
Pilo: 59 books po.
Guro: Good. Ang 18 + 29 + 30 books?
Pilo: 77 books.
Guro: Very good. Now, what is 950 + 136 + 672 + 490 + 854 books?
Pilo: Ma'am, library po!
------------- -------------- ------------ -------------------
Pasyente: Okey ba ang services sa ospital na ito?
Doktor: Oo naman. Sigurado 'yon.
Pasyente: Paano kung hindi ako satisfied?
Doktor: Ibabalik namin ang sakit mo


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Famous Lines

 

pinapaikot mo lang ako
Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang
patayin mlo na lang ako"
-electric fan


"hindi lahat ng walang salawal
ay bastos"
-winnie d' pooh


"Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad
kundi ang mapalapit saio.
pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo"
-ipis

i-click ito para makita ang iba pa…


"Hala! sige magpakasasa ka!
Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo."
-hipon


"Ayoko na! pag nagmamahal ako lagi na lang
maraming tao ang nagagalit! wala ba akong
karapatang magmahal?!?"
-gasolina


"Hindi lahat ng green ay masustansya. "
-plema


"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sau
ayoko ko lang naman na sa harap ng maraming tao
ganun mo na lang ako itanggi.."
-utot


"Sawang sawa na ako palagi nalang akong
pinagpapasa- pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako."
-Bola


"you never know what you have
till you lose it.
and once you lose it, you can never get it back"
-snatcher


"Hindi lahat ng pink, KIKAY!"
-majinboo


"Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka
mahirap ba talagang makontento sa isa?
bakit palipat-lipat ka?
-TV


"hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin c"
-kili kili


Sige, batihin mo ako.... Sigeee.....BATEEEEE E!!!!!!!!
-omelette


pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako!
-libag


"wag mo na akong bilugin.."
-kulangot


Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?
-Lego


"hindi lahat ng dugo puedeng idonate"
-regla


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Shocking Story

THIS IS A VERY SHOCKING STORY.... NAKAKAKILABOT TALAGA...

This is a story from University of the Philippines (Diliman) about a young college girl who passed away last month. Her name was Tiffany. She was hit by a dump truck. She had a boyfriend named Joel . Both of them were true lovers. They always hung on the phone. You could never see her without her cell phone.

In fact she also changed her network coverage from Globe to Sun, so both of them can be on the same network, and save on the cost and get good network coverage. She spends half of the day talking/texting with Joel. Tiffany's family knew about their relationship. Joel was very close with Tiffany's family. (Just imagine their love). Before she passed away she always told her friends "If I pass Away please bury me with my hand phone" she also said the same thing to her parents.

After her death, people couldn't carry her coffin, I was there. A lot of them tried to do so but still couldn't, everybody including me, had tried to carry the coffin, the result is still the same. Eventually, they called a Feng Shui Master. He took a stick and started speaking to himself slowly.

After a few minutes, he said "THIS GIRL MISSES SOMETHING HERE". Then her friends told the Master about her intentions to bury her with her phone.. He then opened the coffin and placed her phone=2 0and SIM card inside the casket. After that they tried to carry the coffin. It could be moved and they carried it into the van easily. All of us were shocked.

Tiffany's parents did not inform Joel that Tiffany had passed away. After 2 weeks Joel called Tiffany's mom and said,

"I'm coming home today. Cook something nice po, ha? Don't tell Tiffany that I'm coming home today, I wanna surprise her.

"Her mother replied... "You come home first, I wanna tell you something very important."

After he came, they told him the truth about Tiffany . Joel thought that they were playing a fool. He was laughing and said "don't try to fool me - tell Tiffany to come out, I have a gift for her. Please stop this nonsense".

Then they showed him her grave. Joel said, "It's not true. We spoke yesterday. She still calls me." Joel was shaking.

Suddenly, his phone rang. "See.. this is from Tiffany, see this..." he showed the phone to Tiffany's family.

All of them told him to answer. He talked using the loudspeaker mode. All of them heard their conversation. Loud and clear, no cross lines, no humming. It was the actual voice of Tiffany & there was no way others could use her SIM card since it was nailed inside t he coffin. They were so shocked and asked for the Feng Shui Master's help again.

The Master brought his co-masters to solve this matter. He & his co-masters worked for 5 hours. Then they discovered one thing...

 

SUN HAS THE BEST COVERAGE, PLUS UNLIMITED CALLS PA, WHEREVER YOU GO, THEIR NETWORK FOLLOWS...


ANG LAKAS TALAGA NG SUN... KAHIT NASAAN KA MAN...KAHIT NASA PURGATORYO KA PA...


KAYA SUN NA KAYO NANG KAYO AY NAKAKASIGURADONG MALAYO ANG MARARATING NINYO...


IYON LANG...!
NAISAHAN KA BA?


BUMAWI KA NA LANG SA IBA...FORWARD MO NA, DALI!


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09202011

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